As close as it gets to what am thinking now :)

All I wanna do is find a way back into love,

I can't make it through without a way back into love,

And if I open my heart to you

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,

And if you help me to start again,

You know that I'll be there for you in the end!

Heartbreak

Have you ever felt your heart sink? Mine just did. Actually, it broke into pieces. Shredded. Like pieces of glass. And each shard is tearing into me deeper and deeper. I feel pain. Sorrow. But the tears are frozen. They won't flow.

Why would you cause me pain? Have I ever been less of a friend to you? I've always defended you, worried about you, given you the importance you deserve (and don't deserve). And this is what I get in return?

I wish I could be evil and inflict pain on you, but I can't. You don't deserve me. I hate you. And that's only because I love you way too much to let go.

Can't breathe. Can't breathe.

The art of letting go..

Learnt a very interesting lesson. If we clench our fist tightly for a few seconds it does not hurt. If we keep it clenched for a few minutes it makes you feel a little uneasy. Imagine holding it like this for days, months or years. Imagine the plight of your hand! This is what we do about many things in life. Relationships when held on momentarily strengthens it, then freedom should take over. Or else it starts hurting like the closed fist held for too long! Let GO!

Open your fingers and feel the freedom. Holding back can cause accumulation of a lot of stress, pain, expectations and what not. When things hurt in any aspect of life, its time to let go! Its time to move on. Its seems so simple. Simple things are so difficult to follow. We tend to accumulate a of stuff like old letters, cards, broken pieces of porcelain, clothes.. those cupboards, drawers full of these "memorabilia". Keeps accumulating, denying the "present"(today) a chance of existence in your life! You tend to keep living either in the past, in memories or in future,in dreams. There are people and feelings who need to be attended to, who are happily forgotten by us. Probably thats what "Get a life!" is all about...

Gone with the wind

Read a very beautiful book - Gone with the wind. So beautiful that I dint need a book mark to remember where I last left it. So beautiful that I felt that I could not "waste" my evenings in college, in spite of all the "work load". Long pending. Had wanted to read for so long. Loved every bit of it. Felt hurt and sorry at times for some characters in it. So true and lovely.

Life in a metro

Saw "Life in a metro" last week. A good paisa vasool kind of a movie, wont get bored for a minute, guaranteed. One thought that did linger is the amount of loneliness you feel sometimes in a big city, so full of people. May be it just happens all the time. Its very rare you get a someone with who you can share all your thoughts and even more rare (almost impossible) to find this same "someone" not change. Well it could be that you were the one who really changed and not this someone, but then it’s the same thing right? You end up being lonely all over again!

Its just her...

There is this one person who takes immense liberty in your life to repeatedly to tell you all that you have known, treats you eternally like a kid, annoys you with so many questions, seems proud of every small thing you achieve, always has her way with things. You can shout at her once or twice, she doesnt mind! Then you give up. She is persistent. She has a mind of her own and takes her job very seriously of being your mother! I for the umpteenth time in my life am having cold and my mother still tells me what I need to do. For I change it feels soo good!

Happy mother's day!

Happy mother's day!

Since its may 8th let me wish everyone a very 'Happy mother's day". I love ma mom, I admire her for her intelligence, her kindness, her affection, her attention to detail, her reasoning, her individuality, her courage, her strength, her patience, how she respects people for what they are rather than what they do for a living. There are several times when I have told her she cannot understand this and that, like when I speak about my college & studies and she asks me questions. She tells me she cannot understand only those things that she has no interest in or has no use for, but everything else she can. She is very confident in her expression, so very right in her attitude. I always used to get irritated when she used to force a friend to have something to eat or drink when they come home, she even offers coffee to the milk-man on cold mornings - I now understand this is what is being human all about. 

She has always been there for me, every single time I needed her. I have only grown proud of her with time. As far as I understand it, being my mother is a tough job. When I was a kid, our maid servant's daughter used to come and wait for her mother in our backyard. My mother used to give her some snacks while she waited. Her nick name was "Putty"( which means "little one" in Kannada). So if at all my mother used to call her "Putty" I used to create a ruckus! The only other kid my mother could show any affection was my sibling. No one else.

And I love my mother for letting me be whatever I am. I call her  maaaa, mumma, mummy, mom, amma and sometimes by her name! I love her name,

Mumma, I love you.

Happy mothers' day to all!

Publish
 
When am about to click the publish button to upload a post, I wonder what amount of freedom technology has bestowed us. I have read about struggles of authors trying to find publishers to reach the reader. But here we are today, at our own whim and click of a button “publishing” happens! There was a time I wishfully wanted to be a publisher, so that I could read many books for free!
Am reading this wonderful book called “The black swan” by Taleb in the genre – Economics and Philosophy – quite a heady combination but thoroughly entertaining. I also picked up “Emma” by Jane Austin yesterday and am already hooked. I had been wanting to read a Jane Austin from sometime now. I take longer to complete books these days, but at least am reading is what makes me happy. :)

LoVe at first sight

LoVe at first sight

 

Love struck since we met

My heart's sun never did set

Just you, me and fate

Feel so complete with you

Your smile is heavenly
you touch me tenderly
your eyes they speak to me
a thousand summer nights
oh lovely lady
you mesmorise me
you fill my heart and soul
with pleasure and delight

i feel so complete with you
i never wanna let you go

I feel i'm choking in her sighs

I feel i'm lost in these arms

As lost as my path towards you

I've lost you

I've lost the way to you....

Attraction & infatuation...

So the whole point of one person being attracted to another is nothing but physical. Hold on girl, wait, before you tell me that you like a guy because he has a great sense of humour, let me tell you this: Was he making a joke when you first laid eyes on him?

Girls always have the same ol bullshit about whom they want to date-“Oh he should be tall, good looking and have a great sense of humour.” Meh. Most guys who have a great sense of humour look like me.

Now I know I am no Mitch Hedberg but I do have a great sense of humour. So One out of Three isn’t a bad score, is it? But of course as much as I state my odds on this matter, it is what we call a lost cause. Girls do not fall for guys like me, simply cause of our understanding of attractive people.

But I don’t blame you ladies for acting this way, guys are even worse. She can be a bitch of the first order and even sometimes the second, but if she fancies your palate, and let me make this very clear, we usually have a very shallow one, you are going in to get some for yourself and even seconds.

As for as far dating is concerned, we all look for something stable. You’ll never want to date a one-night, frankly because you know it’s a one night. But then if you were the one-night as well, so why should the other sex date you?

In all fairness, I am not a guru in these matters but as everybody else, I too have an opinion on it. So, shut the fuck up and listen to what I have to say. Oh ok, just carry reading on, then…

Girls and Boys, we have come to stage where we are attracted to each other……wait, there is no stage and there is no truth about whatever I have said. We are simply attracted because we are attracted. Call it whatever you bloody like as long as this article makes you think I am sexy ( for the ladies only )

Mornings...


I mumble to myself about another daybreak and crinkle in the glistening rays of the sun. Quite strangely,every morning whilst I brush my teeth, a few questions choose to stir my mind up. Most common ones being,
–”How does my alarm clock automatically get into the “Snooze” mode?”
–”Why do I get the best sleep while I am on the toilet seat?”
–”Why do I almost end up applying shaving cream to wash my face?”


When I suddenly realise the amount of time I choose to spend on these stupid questions..
Reality snaps back in the form of the wrist watch.Haste everywhere. A half eaten bread toast  on the table. Running behind the  bus [with an occassional "wait" to the driver],finally managing to enter the bus and feeling like a winner [for catching the bus] and a loser [for being late] at the same time and then, the blissful ”preparatory” nap till the college.
0900 hrs. college begins.


“I have a “carpe diem” mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day.  They make me want to slap a dead poet.”

Something’s gone missing..

Something’s gone missing..

Off late, I have had these overwhelming feelings, some which  sometimes cannot be controlled. They aren’t exactly negative feelings (i ain’t PMSing, mind you) ..I dont even know whether they are feelings, just words that sometimes need a ear. I miss that quintessential ear that would sit by me and listen to my shit, just like I do for most people. Maybe just a punching bag.

I miss all those times, when I managed to cry in front of frank about an infatuation going sour, I miss apeksha (ohh, I so miss apeksha), to just give a hug, like I did on a 20th march  and cry and wail my heart out till the time I felt so empty that I fell asleep in her arms and slept like I haven’t slept in years. I miss nights by the shekhar with Ro and the gang, high and so happy that, everything felt like a joke and every ill thought seemed distant. 

Most friends questioned my choice of people when it came to trust, but somehow, I always opened to the fact, that everybody is worth your time and trust. Just figure out who would be unselfish enough to return it back. Somehow though, I have only met some very self centred jerks in the past year or so. My bad, maybe.

However, As time passes me by, the notion that “everybody hurts” has grown so deep, that I sometimes fear, I will not be able to trust anyone. The wall just grows bigger and the people managing to circumvent it grows smaller. After a certain point in time, the trials cease and the people choose to move away. What sucks is, the moment the befriending cycle begins.. the estrangement one begins running simultaneously on a sub conscious level.. and on one turn, the latter takes over. Nothing remains then.

I don’t know why I am putting this down. I probably just miss frank,anshu,meenal (probably, the only non-judgemental person I have met) , chinky (yes, you are a jerk.. but you still managed to make me super happy) and/or the ones that I could have truly loved.

I am growing older and I feel the need to close on the barriers of this feeling… or else, I will slowly spiral into some kind of random nothingness.

Which will lead me to either insanity or INSANITY… whichever comes first.

Bleh me, for writing this down. Just an emotional outburst..

Lustration

Lustration

I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately. It works, especially, when you’ve had a rough week. However, while recalling all the things that happened all this time, there have been a couple of stark realizations. That, I have grown marvelously indifferent and that being lone is what I like best. It is not the best feeling that there can be. But at least, I can make peace with the reasons that lead me to feel this way.

“Won’t you fly high, free bird, yeah?”

More on it.Later.

Me.

hiya

This looks interesting…
How do I become a blogger?
to say what I have to say
to write what is a bother
and what makes my day..
really then how do I begin?
and see how to fit in

quizzically yours